In a legal separation, as in a divorce, there needs to be a decision as to how will the couple raise their children, divide their assets and debts, and provide support. Research shows that even adult children of divorce struggle with their parents separation or divorce. When a couple is seeking a Christian legal separation, child related issues can place even more stress on the family than the separation itself. What should the parents tell the children to limit the damage to them and how will the parents do that? When should they tell them? How can the children’s fear be alleviated and how can the parents protect the children from damage in the process?

Which parent will leave the home? Are there alternative arrangements that can be structured so neither parent “leaves” the home for the legal separation? How will the absent parent get to see the children, how often, at what times, and what are that parent’s responsibilities when they are with the children.

How will holidays, birthday, special events, and parent – child vacations be handled? Are there any extramarital affairs going on and will the children be exposed? How will children be encouraged to be in communication with the other parent and how will each parent play a significant role in raising good strong Christian kids despite being separated?

Will the parents agree to not use the children as weapons, will they agree to foster the relationship between the children and the other parent? How will support for the children be provided? These issues are just the beginning of the issues that need to be addressed and that we assist in resolving in advance. A child focused approach to the parents’ Christian legal separation will help to limit the damage done to the children in the separation process. If these issues are not resolved in advance the courts will step in and decide how you will raise your children, when you can see them, and how you will support them.

Just as critical as child related issues are to a Christian legal separation, financial issues are extremely important too. How will the family be able to manage financially when there are two sets of rent or mortgage? How will the children and the other spouse be supported financially? How will assets be fairly divided and protected from being drained, taken, obfuscated, or hidden? Assets include accounts, “things,” property, retirement plans, pensions, and any other thing of value.

Even in a permanent legal separation, the relationship between the couple should not be destroyed. The parties will remain parents to their children forever and need to be able to work together, for the sake of the kids, even if they are legally separated. The typical attorney led fight over the money and finances destroys what remains of the couple’s relationship and drains their resources.

People in these situations often listen to well-intended and loving friends and families who say things like “you better protect yourself” by taking money from the checking, saving, investment, and retirement plans “before the other one does.” Of course, this only inflames the other who responds in kind and then the relationship begins the typical final death spiral. It is not what the advisors intended, but it is the typical result of that type of advice.

We are peacemakers and follow a 1 Cor 6:1-6 approach to resolving these issues and more. Unlike the courts, we always want to limit the destruction to the chance of reconciliation in the way the courts do. We always strive to reduce conflict and preserve the opportunity for God to work on people’s hearts. Balancing emotions, finances, money, conflict, and people is difficult, but we believe we are uniquely qualified to do so. We believe that God honors people when they attempt to take a Biblical approach to conflict resolution, regardless of the underlying reason for the conflict. Taking this approach greatly increases the probability of reconciliation.