When spouses talk about Christian separation, Christian marital counseling, and Christian reconciliation help, one or both often say “yes, I’ll do counseling…” Using the pulling the hand from the hot stove analogy, that is like saying “yes, I’ll put burn ointment on the wound and bandage it.” Unlike the burning hand analogy where people typically will attend to the wound, in marital separation and reconciliation, people so often say “yes, I’ll go to counseling” but then a week later, a month later and sometimes even a year later, they still haven’t. That leaves the marital wounds to continue to infect and fester. Understanding that fact of human nature, it is extremely important to have structure to the therapeutic part of the Christian Therapeutic Separation plan before separation actually happens if there is a desire for reconciliation.

We help couples create the structure for a Christian Therapeutic Marital Separation Plan in advance of the separation. We are not counselors though. The couple will agree on who their counselors or therapists will be. It is extremely important to have the therapeutic separation structure settled and agreed to before the couple separates. Usually, couples can’t do this on their own, and if they could, they rarely would know all of the issues to discuss and agree upon. And the counselor isn’t present yet to help.

Structural issues for Christian Reconciliation Help and therapeutic separation include such things as which of the spouses are going to do individual counseling, when will it start, how often will it be, with whom, and for how long? How do you know when the counseling is successful or at least advanced sufficiently? What about accountability processes and follow through?

At what point will the couple come together for joint counseling and who will the joint counselor be? Again, when will the joint counseling begin, how often will it take place, and for how long will joint counseling continue? How do you know if the joint counseling is successful or at least if the couple has made enough process? What does the couple do if they haven’t made sufficient process (or if they have)?

When a couple is seeking a Christian therapeutic marital separation with the hope of reconciliation, the structural issues are not the only issues that need to be resolved. Child related issues can place more stress on the therapeutic separation than the separation itself. What should the parents tell the children to limit the damage to them and how will the parents do that? How can the children’s fear be alleviated and how can the parents protect the children from damage in the process?

Many other issues have to be addressed. Will one parent leave the home and who will that be? Are there alternative arrangements that can be structured so neither parent “leaves” the home for the separation? How will the absent parent get to see the children, how often, at what times, and what are that parent’s responsibilities when they are with the children. How will holidays, birthday, special events, and parent – child vacations be handled? Are there any extramarital affairs going on and will the children be exposed? How will children be encouraged to be in communication with the other parent and how will mom and dad each play a role in raising good strong Christian kids despite being separated?

Will the parents agree to not use the children as weapons, will they agree to foster the relationship between the children and the other parent? How will support for the children be provided? These issues are just the beginning of the issues that need to be addressed and that we assist in resolving in advance. A child focused approach to the parents’ Christian therapeutic separation with the hope of reconciliation will help to limit the damage done to the children in the separation process.

Just as critical as child related issues are to Christian therapeutic marital separation with the hope of reconciliation, financial issues are extremely important too. How will the family be able to manage financially when there are two sets of rent or mortgage? How will the children and the other spouse be supported financially? How will bills and maintenance for the home be handled? How will assets be protected from being drained, taken, obfuscated, or hidden? People in these situations often listen to well-intended and loving friends and families who say things like “you better protect yourself” by taking money from the checking, saving, investment, and retirement plans “before the other one does.” Of course, this only inflames the other who responds in kind and then the relationship begins the typical final death spiral. It is not what the advisors intended, but it is the typical result of that type of advice.

Improving the opportunity for reconciliation

If issues such as a therapeutic counseling structure, Christian child and parenting plans, as well as financial provisions and integrity can be put in place prior to a therapeutic separation, the likelihood that counseling and or therapy will be successful, is greatly increased. The counselors can focus on the core issues in the marriage in each counseling session rather than spending the counseling time focused on deescalating the couple from the arguments and fights they had each week between counseling sessions over child and financial issues. This leads to a greater opportunity for success and reconciliation.

These issues should be addressed before the separation and can be done in conjunction with the couple’s existing or planned counselors, Church, family, or whoever the couple is comfortable with. Those people though, rarely are trained in mediating these issues and rarely do they know all of the issues that need to be put in place and agreed to. Even then, getting the couple to “yes” on the issues is a particularly specific specialty that few are trained in. We are though, and we are ready to help. We are peacemakers and follow a 1 Cor 6:1-6 approach and always strive to reduce conflict and preserve the opportunity for God to work on people’s hearts.

Weight lifted

When people are facing Christian separation or divorce, there is often significant fear of the “unknown” and of “what will happen?” People are afraid “will I be locked out from seeing my kids?”, “will I be left financially hanging in the wind?”, and “how do I protect my assets and finances”. If we can get answers to those things now, that huge fear and weight is lifted off of their shoulders and they can better focus on the core issues in the marriage. If these issues are not addressed upfront, then the marriage begins to suffer “a death by a thousand cuts” as each week another issue crops up (“I need you to pay for this”, “you didn’t let me take the kids to…”, “the kids told me you said…”). Each issue becomes just one more conflict point, and those conflicts begin to pile up.

Legal Separation For Christians (Click here to continue)

Living Separate and Apart (click here to continue)